I’m no longer falling as frequently on this road towards
peace, this road out of grief that ultimately ends in paradise. For a season it seemed that
the ache in my heart was so consuming, so overwhelming that it was part of my
self, had become my new identity. Kelsey, daughter of early fallen Dan. But
identity is a choice, and I choose that that is not who I am at all. His death
is only a part of the story that God is writing with my lifeblood. Letters in
red, just like the red letter bibles. Words spoken by God Himself. He has
sanctioned these events and that truth brings me peace. But now Christmas is
upon us. A time for family, for being close, and the one who held my family
together, the glue, is gone. It was dad who organized all of the family meals,
who smoothed over conflict amongst siblings, who encouraged into the small
hours of the morning when one of us was questioning our value or our place in the world. We have
all been left broken by his passing but when two truly become one and one
leaves, the other is left half whole. If only God had given my mother the
ability of the star fish, to grow back appendages when we have been ripped to
shreds. And maybe He has, maybe God will re-grow her half heart and half mind
and make her whole again in time. Even a small star fish takes years sometimes
to re-grow a leg. I ponder these things
over in my mind just like Mary did over the events in her family. How? Why? What
is Gods plan in this? How will he work out His glory? I can’t imagine the turmoil
of Mary. Why would God become a man and such a lowly man, born in a stable, to
a humble carpenter, as a bastard, an illegitimate
child. The facts would seem foreboding, grim. At the very least she could see
that he would have a hard life and what she met in the end for her son was an
early death around thirty years old and in the most dishonorable and painful
way, execution as a criminal, on a torturing cross. And God sanctioned these
things, for his glory. I ponder, what else will He sanction for the glory of
His name? It terrifies me, the raging holiness of God. Even the flesh of babes
are not too precious to be used for His limitless glory. But I can count on one great and awesome truth
that brings peace and joy into the very moments of pain, sorrow and suffering,
one holy truth….. He is good……… He is Love…….. and He never ever fails at
keeping His promises. So as Christmas comes with it’s expectations, it’s ideals
of joy, gifts and happiness, and as it fails in every way possible, we can
rejoice in it’s one truth….. “God with us”.
In hearing these words at Christmas church service my heart was encouraged
by the tears that flowed upon just hearing those words, “God with us”. They told
me that my heart was beginning to understand those words, I’m starting to get
it, I’m beginning to comprehend. Then we sang. “Sing choirs of Angels, sing in
exaltation!” And then these other words brought many tears and a great heaving
in my chest as we sang them. , “Sing all ye citizens of heaven above!!!” Sing dad, sing grandma and grandpa, sing babies
that were never born, sing little girl that died too young, sing woman who died
hairless and breastless, sing soldier who died for others, sing martyr sing ALL
ye citizens of heaven above, for Christ is born and He will bring reunion to us,
He will put death to death. Let us rejoice while we wait! “Glory to God, glory
in the highest! Oh come let us adore Him, oh come let us adore Him, oh come let
us adore Him Christ the LORD!”
