I fear that I am
beginning to be a one note song in my head and my heart. Maybe it’s just the
season of life that I am in but as I dwell on my thoughts and how they reflect
scripture I am drawn to think it’s something more. I think that suffering is
more than just a season. “This too shall pass” everyone's grandma once said to
them. But what did she really mean, or did she even know the gravity of that
sentiment and it’s deep ancient truth that “Heaven and earth shall pass away”(Matt
24:35) and all things will be made new (Rev 21:5) . We were created, we fell, redemption came and covered retroactively
and proactively, we are being sanctified and one day it will all be finished
and eternity can begin. Right now we are being sanctified. What else could that
mean except suffering? Now this may sound funny but I think that suffering has
gotten a bad reputation. We shouldn’t fear suffering, we should expect it and
maybe even something more than just expect. “In this world you will have
trouble but don’t be afraid for I have overcome the world!” ( John 16:33) I’m
not a runner but there was a time in my life where I did enjoyed running and
at the beginning of a day with perfect weather I would get excited about
running. I knew I was going to sweat and breath hard and at times my ankle that
I sprained really well a few years ago was going to hurt but I also knew that
at the end of the run my body was going to be harder, more lean, better than it
was before. I was excited for that feeling. I have also had
times in my schooling where I was just so
excited to learn; I looked forward to class. I felt this way about my world religions
course with Dr. Domani
Pothen at Multnomah
Bible College. I knew that her brain was going to ring me out in that hundred and twenty minutes. She was going to tell me I was wrong and challenge me to grow and
study but I also knew that at the end of that course I was going to be more knowledgeable
about God than I was before. I was excited to have these trials that would
better me.
Can I say it? Can we as Christians
be excited about suffering? I know this is probably not a popular idea that is
going to catch on anytime soon but I think it’s catching on in me.
I think this truth has been about twenty years in the making in my life. I have
always anticipated suffering. I have waited for it, always asking God, “ok is
this where I get to suffer?” When I was a teenager, “ok Lord, am I supposed to
be alone my whole life and never find a husband? Is this where I am supposed to
suffer?”, when I was a wife, “Ok Lord, he is deployed to a war zone. Is he
going to die and me become a widow? Is this where I’m supposed to suffer?” when
we wanted to have a baby, “Okay Lord will I always long for a child? Is this
where I am supposed to suffer?”
I prayed
that God would change my heart. I asked him to make me like that old woman who
knows and loves and just rejoices in Jesus at every moment and then one day
driving home from the hospital where my dads chest was sawn open in hopes of
saving his life I asked again, “Lord when are you going to start hurting me to
heal me? Is this where I get to suffer?” and he said yes. And the suffering
that came from that day and the months to follow has been the greatest blessing
of my life so far. No, you didn’t hear me wrong… BLESSING. My dads death, it
took him three days to die, we were jerked back and fourth about whether he
would live or not and when he did die his body was swollen and chopped up, his
chest left open,
he left my mom with a
pile of bills and properties that were under water and a physical mess, totally disorganized
and no will, he left my son to never know him, my sisters to have no one to
walk them down the isle at their weddings, my niece and nephew asking, “where
did papa go?” and me pregnant with twin girls that were conceived the week
before he died, never to see their papas face or to be held by his strong,
rough hands and still ……it was a blessing.
There was no other way to bring about the kind
of change in my heart that occurred this past year and I am beginning to believe
that there is no other way to truly know Jesus except by way of suffering,
trial, pain and loss. This has been the hardest year of my life AND the most
blessed year and I hope only that Gods plan has more years like it to come
because I’m being made new.
What I didn’t think about or realize in my prayer
to change my heart is that the only difference between me and that little old
lady who has such great faith is years and years just like the one I had.
Suffering does that when you know Jesus, it crushes you into a position of
constant kneeling and praise. I know that this notion of getting excited about
suffering may seem almost rude to some who have suffered much more than me and
maybe much more than I ever will but I still think I should be bold in laying
it before us and say that we can look forward to the rest of our lives. We can be excited about the suffering it will bring and look back with joy on what
it has brought because it will draw us ever closer to the King of Kings and Lord
of Lords. It has drawn us closer to the heart of Jesus who suffered far beyond
any other individual. “He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed
for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his
wounds we are healed.”(Isaiah 53:5) “Behold
I am making all things new” (Rev 21:5) Expect suffering and not just, but anticipate and rejoice in it for the sanctification of God himself is in it and he is making us new.
