What can I pray to bring you near? I have but a small moment
to solely seek you so I desire efficiency. “Mother” some days the word is the
antithesis of efficiency. Though it could be used as a supporting adjective to
describe you, you are not the God of efficiency. You are love and sometimes that is being the opposite
of efficient. Clothes in the washer, dryer and on the floor while little boy is
rocked and sang to an extra ten minutes before nap. Dirty windows still let in
light while I lay and tumble with cooing babies. Efficient, maybe this is the
last thing a mother should want to be, but I am also a daughter and I desire to
feel your presence. You woo me with two squares of chocolate and a cup of
steaming green tea under a down blanket. This is my daily temple, the chocolate
and tea, my bread and wine. I use them to remember you, dwell on your word and
your promises. Then efficiency taps me on the shoulder again in this moment of
relationship. There is no time.
I write through small fingerprints on my eyeglasses because the moment
taken to clean them is too precious to waste. Many duties get ignored in order
to gather up spare moments to be spent with you. A baby went down for nap with
spit on her shirt, a boy was not made to pick up his toys, the dishes from
breakfast are still on the table and I am in my pajamas. But I love you and long to love you
more. You are my sweet solace, my only source of hope from my sin. My
sins pile mountains high, especially when I make laws up that aren’t even
yours, laws of efficiency and chores and a clean house and a smiling face. Your
law has not made it a sin to mourn, or to have crumbs on your floor but I still
tally them up and lay the guilt squarely on my shoulders. The weight is so
heavy I can’t afford to miss this time with you. Any sacrifice is worth making in order to have
a moment to kneel in your throne room that you made available through blood and
death. And I cannot be efficient here. I must be anything but. I must close my
eyes and listen and wait for your presence to wash over. How impatient I am.
Twenty minutes seems never enough. It seems so insignificant, some days I don’t
believe it will be enough to unburden me so I carry my curse all day long
saying I will have time tomorrow, maybe thirty or forty, surely that will make
my time with you more efficient. My phrasing is ill put when I say that I
desire to bring you near for it is my own heart that has gone wandering. It is me who has created a distance, not you
from me. And yet again you are my only hope. Jesus draw me near to you for I
have no ability to conjure affection and obedience. I rely on you for even the
will to kneel. So make me kneel Lord. Unbind me from these laws I have made for
myself about ritual and consistency. Set me free with love. You are LOVE, Holy
maker of all things, Healer of my heart. Unburden me and bind my wandering
heart to thee. Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Unburden Me
What can I pray to bring you near? I have but a small moment
to solely seek you so I desire efficiency. “Mother” some days the word is the
antithesis of efficiency. Though it could be used as a supporting adjective to
describe you, you are not the God of efficiency. You are love and sometimes that is being the opposite
of efficient. Clothes in the washer, dryer and on the floor while little boy is
rocked and sang to an extra ten minutes before nap. Dirty windows still let in
light while I lay and tumble with cooing babies. Efficient, maybe this is the
last thing a mother should want to be, but I am also a daughter and I desire to
feel your presence. You woo me with two squares of chocolate and a cup of
steaming green tea under a down blanket. This is my daily temple, the chocolate
and tea, my bread and wine. I use them to remember you, dwell on your word and
your promises. Then efficiency taps me on the shoulder again in this moment of
relationship. There is no time.
I write through small fingerprints on my eyeglasses because the moment
taken to clean them is too precious to waste. Many duties get ignored in order
to gather up spare moments to be spent with you. A baby went down for nap with
spit on her shirt, a boy was not made to pick up his toys, the dishes from
breakfast are still on the table and I am in my pajamas. But I love you and long to love you
more. You are my sweet solace, my only source of hope from my sin. My
sins pile mountains high, especially when I make laws up that aren’t even
yours, laws of efficiency and chores and a clean house and a smiling face. Your
law has not made it a sin to mourn, or to have crumbs on your floor but I still
tally them up and lay the guilt squarely on my shoulders. The weight is so
heavy I can’t afford to miss this time with you. Any sacrifice is worth making in order to have
a moment to kneel in your throne room that you made available through blood and
death. And I cannot be efficient here. I must be anything but. I must close my
eyes and listen and wait for your presence to wash over. How impatient I am.
Twenty minutes seems never enough. It seems so insignificant, some days I don’t
believe it will be enough to unburden me so I carry my curse all day long
saying I will have time tomorrow, maybe thirty or forty, surely that will make
my time with you more efficient. My phrasing is ill put when I say that I
desire to bring you near for it is my own heart that has gone wandering. It is me who has created a distance, not you
from me. And yet again you are my only hope. Jesus draw me near to you for I
have no ability to conjure affection and obedience. I rely on you for even the
will to kneel. So make me kneel Lord. Unbind me from these laws I have made for
myself about ritual and consistency. Set me free with love. You are LOVE, Holy
maker of all things, Healer of my heart. Unburden me and bind my wandering
heart to thee. 
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