What I said at my Dads funeral

Dad and I

Thank you for being here to worship Jesus with us as we celebrate my Dad going to heaven. It’s a celebration that hurts but hurt is the greatest offering we have to give to our Lord. I’m going to read you a letter that I wrote to my dad about a month ago when we found out that his surgery was imminent. I was really just using the pen and paper as a way for me to process my own turmoil on the subject but when I was finished what remained was a letter of encouragement to my dad. Here it is.

I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready for this phase of life where my parents start getting old and their bodies start fading and failing. I’m sure your not ready for it either. The idea of having a heart valve replacement I’m sure is much scarier for you than it is for me. The hard thing is that if we were living in reality this would not come as a shock. If you and I were living in truth we would be fully expectant of this fact that this “bodies failing” part of life is not a phase at all. We have lived here our whole lives. You and I live in a bubble where very little trouble befalls us. I’m glad to say that your heart valve is the most of my worries. I have no cheating husband or sick child. I myself am healthy, can walk and see and hear. You and I are utterly blessed. But this still sucks. It sucks that this is the best case scenario. In the best outcome you will be put under heavy drugs, your chest will be sawn open, your heart cut in pieces and then everything will be sewn back together with thread and metal. Blood will flow and you will be mended. The best case scenario sucks. So yes I am complaining, complaining about Gods plan. Well really it’s Satans plan that God has re-worked for good, for the good of your heart. Obviously for your physical heart, that one is broken and failing and needs to be fixed or you will die but maybe this is to fix your heart of hearts too…. Maybe this heart valve thing isn’t just to fix your physical heart. Maybe it’s going to fix your soul just a little bit more. Maybe the fear and the pain is going to bring you to your knees in a new way before Jesus and from then on your head will bow a little lower, maybe your prayers will be a little longer and your heart will be just a little bit softer before the King. And maybe when I see you hurt and I’m afraid of losing you my heart will be mended too and my heart will get softer, my head will bow a little lower and my prayers a little longer. Okay so isn’t that worth it? Isn’t that worth any fear or pain or trial? Something that draws us truly a little closer to the heart of Jesus. That how I’m gonna look at this. Heart surgery for you AND me and maybe mom and Tessah and Ab too. Maybe it will be heart surgery for your dad! And God chose you to suffer for this gain. He chose that man of the house, the warrior, the chief. You get to shed the blood and have your bones broken all for our sakes. I hope you take it as a compliment. God thinks your up for the challenge. He is calling you son like he called Jesus son and saying, “no there is no other way to make this gain!” “This cup cannot pass from you!” “For my plan to work, and trust me it’s a good good plan, you have to suffer, you have to bleed.”
So I guess that’s how I’m going to look at this. I’m gonna count on this being heart surgery for me too and for all those who love you. I thought about all of this last night as I sat on the floor in tears. I’m afraid. I don’t want to lose you and I don’t want you to hurt but I want Gods will in both of our lives. So the only words that I prayed as I sobbed were “Lord have your way in my heart…. and in my dads heart too.” And the words of a song came to mind. "Break me open, God in motion, light my world with fire and rain" They make you see that God is all about drawing us near to him. He is not about our comfort or well being or safety. He is about smashing us into a position that we will kneel at his feet and fall so deeply in love. SO let us be broken, let us bleed and hurt for it draws us closer to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
I think that’s all I wanted to say… I guess I will take this opportunity to tell you again what I hope you already know from my countless times of telling. I love you, you are my beloved father and friend. I heard first about Jesus from you. I will be forever grateful. Please let me help with your recovery, not for your sake, for mine.
I thought it was important to read this here because everything I said is still true, no… it’s truer now. Jesus took my dads life in order to carry out his perfect plan in my heart and yours. I can tell you that if my dad was given the choice before surgery to submit or not… this was a purpose that he would have died for and God blessed him with such a warriors death, his chest broken open as an offering to the High King of Heaven and Earth. 

                             Please listen to this beautiful song.. it's the song of my heart of hearts.