Offensive Grace

Just a few years ago I had a strange experience that I hope not many married people get. I moved back into my parents house while my husband was deployed. Among many hard things  I experienced during that time one of them was watching  my parents continue to raise my younger sisters. When I was a kid in their house, there was wrath and consequences for poor decisions made. There was also grace but equal amounts of wrath. When watching my sisters make some poor decisions I used to get so frustrated with my dad at times.  He would respond quietly and rationally to blatant disrespect. I would watch as my sisters pushed the limit verbally with my dad and out of reaction from my child rearing my bottom would actually clench in fear of the remembered consequence that was laid there for my disrespectful outbursts as a child. Instead of witnessing dads wrath upon deserving bottoms I witnessed his grace alone. I would get so frustrated. I wanted wrath for the deserving!  I thirsted for justice to be served up in a lengthy grounding or car being taken away.

Now I find that I do this same thing with my eternal father at times. I see the rebellion of the world, throwing life away at every turn, not even just disregarding it but purposeful killing and torture taking place. I shudder.  Then I see Gods bride at times looking the other way as orphans are abandoned to what are called “lying rooms” where their bodies grow strapped down to a crib and their minds are deprived from development. Man sized babes are the result, crumpled up in an infants crib because it’s all their mind has ever known.  They will never be adoptable or adopted. And I weep.  Then I see myself tearing others down in conversation only for the true frustration that I have with my own resemblance to their flawed image of what we call being a Christ follower. I rage. My appetite grows as I read verses. “Vengeance is mine! I will repay, for the time when their foot shall slip; for the day of their calamity is at hand, and their doom comes swiftly. For the Lord will vindicate His people and have compassion on his servants, when he sees that their power is gone and there is none remaining, bond or free.” (Deut32:35.36 emphasis added)  And yesterday I saw my mom weeping over the death of her husband, her lover, best friend, too young , too soon and I break. “Lord isn’t this all enough?!” I beat my fists on the floor “aren’t you sick of this yet?!” I scream! “ When will your wrath come for me and this fallen world?!” And I know what I should do in this moment………Yield. I try to muster the strength to even whisper it “Lord not my will but yours be done” but I can’t say it. All I can do is beat my fists on the floor and cry “why don’t you come? I’m tired. I want to go home. I want this to be done Lord!” Like a child who can’t understand. And that’s the truth… I can’t understand the grace of God Almighty. I have only lived on this earth for twenty-six years and I am fed up, I’m ready for wrath even if it means that it comes for me and those I love too. My patience is small and my grace is smaller. But oh the vastness of the grace of God. His patience has lasted thousands and thousands of years. It is wider than the morning star and more faithful than the nightly moon. And lets not limit this view by placing our own boundaries on God, you and I can only see the depravity that is right in front of us. God is omnipotent, meaning He is everywhere and sees everything throughout time. He has seen the darkest, the most evil, the most horrid things that you and I cannot fathom …….and He is patient. “rest a little longer” (Rev 6:11) He says.  “ But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day, The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.” (2Pet3:8,9)  But He is patient so that ALL should reach repentance. He loves us. He waits as we kill. He weeps as we torture because he wants the murderer to see, He wants the torturer to turn and call Him Father and be called son. Oh the great, immeasurable vastness of the grace of our great King. I will never understand I think, not even in glory how He loves, how He graces us. I can only pray that my mind will focus on His goodness and trust His patience for this world. There will be a day, “Vengeance is mine!” says the Lord. Until then I will yield. I will trust in the goodness of God and is great, great grace.