Just a few years ago I had a strange experience that I hope
not many married people get. I moved back into my parents house while my
husband was deployed. Among many hard things I experienced during that time one of them was
watching my parents continue to raise my
younger sisters. When I was a kid in their house, there was wrath and
consequences for poor decisions made. There was also grace but equal amounts of
wrath. When watching my sisters make some poor decisions I used to get so
frustrated with my dad at times. He
would respond quietly and rationally to blatant disrespect. I would watch as my
sisters pushed the limit verbally with my dad and out of reaction from my child
rearing my bottom would actually clench in fear of the remembered consequence
that was laid there for my disrespectful outbursts as a child. Instead of
witnessing dads wrath upon deserving bottoms I witnessed his grace alone. I
would get so frustrated. I wanted wrath for the deserving! I thirsted for justice to be served up in a
lengthy grounding or car being taken away.
Now I find that I do this same thing with my eternal father
at times. I see the rebellion of the world, throwing life away at every turn,
not even just disregarding it but purposeful killing and torture taking place.
I shudder. Then I see Gods bride at
times looking the other way as orphans are abandoned to what are called “lying
rooms” where their bodies grow strapped down to a crib and their minds are
deprived from development. Man sized babes are the result, crumpled up in an
infants crib because it’s all their mind has ever known. They will never be adoptable or adopted. And
I weep. Then I see myself tearing others
down in conversation only for the true frustration that I have with my own
resemblance to their flawed image of what we call being a Christ follower. I
rage. My appetite grows as I read verses. “Vengeance is mine! I will repay, for
the time when their foot shall slip; for the day of their calamity is at hand,
and their doom comes swiftly. For the Lord will vindicate His people and have
compassion on his servants, when he sees that their power is gone and there is
none remaining, bond or free.” (Deut32:35.36 emphasis added) And yesterday I saw my mom weeping over the
death of her husband, her lover, best friend, too young , too soon and I break.
“Lord isn’t this all enough?!” I beat my fists on the floor “aren’t you sick of
this yet?!” I scream! “ When will your wrath come for me and this fallen
world?!” And I know what I should do in this moment………Yield. I try to muster
the strength to even whisper it “Lord not my will but yours be done” but I can’t
say it. All I can do is beat my fists on the floor and cry “why don’t you come?
I’m tired. I want to go home. I want this to be done Lord!” Like a child who
can’t understand. And that’s the truth… I can’t understand the grace of God
Almighty. I have only lived on this earth for twenty-six years and I am fed up,
I’m ready for wrath even if it means that it comes for me and those I love too.
My patience is small and my grace is smaller. But oh the vastness of the grace
of God. His patience has lasted thousands and thousands of years. It is wider
than the morning star and more faithful than the nightly moon. And lets not
limit this view by placing our own boundaries on God, you and I can only see
the depravity that is right in front of us. God is omnipotent, meaning He is
everywhere and sees everything throughout time. He has seen the darkest, the
most evil, the most horrid things that you and I cannot fathom …….and He is
patient. “rest a little longer” (Rev 6:11) He says. “ But do not overlook this one fact, beloved,
that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one
day, The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is
patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should
reach repentance.” (2Pet3:8,9) But He is
patient so that ALL should reach repentance. He loves us. He waits as we kill.
He weeps as we torture because he wants the murderer to see, He wants the
torturer to turn and call Him Father and be called son. Oh the great, immeasurable
vastness of the grace of our great King. I will never understand I think, not
even in glory how He loves, how He graces us. I can only pray that my mind will
focus on His goodness and trust His patience for this world. There will be a
day, “Vengeance is mine!” says the Lord. Until then I will yield. I will trust
in the goodness of God and is great, great grace.
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