Nothing to Say

Note: I wrote this a few weeks ago so may seem to be out of timeline if you know me personally

I don’t have anything to say. I can’t tell if it’s because of peace that surpasses understanding or mental exhaustion that surpasses understanding.  Normally when I sit down to write, especially when I have the time away from babies and Mt.Laundry that is located in my bedroom, I usually have something to say. I have some  thing in my mind that I cannot dislodge until I have written it to death.  But today is different. It is, but in so many ways today is not different. The moment I exited my bedroom this morning I was in my normal world of mommy chaos. A girl had thrown up in the night and didn’t cry so I found her in the morning in her crib layered with dry vomit on her head, on her jammies and half of her bed. After bath my son pushed my other daughter off of a high place which caused her to bleed which then required tearful discipline; the tears both from my son and I. The day unraveled with similar events and now two of my children have new wounds, one which covers half of a girls face. Rest assured I am exhausted just like you, just like every other mom in the world. Doesn’t matter what age, what stage, how many kids you have, what birth spacing or special needs you face, if you are a mom, you are exhausted. If you have or have had in your care and have attached your heart  to another sinful being in the position of mother, your heart is tired in some way shape or form. The obvious reasons are easy to focus on, poopy diapers, messes, snotty attitudes and noses, bad decisions and ones made by your kids too, viruses, lies, vegetable intake, hygiene, serious illness, birth control,  laundry, laundry, laundry.  But care to think sweet  heart, it may be tired because of blessing. It may be tired because you’ve asked Jesus to change your heart, whatever the cost and He has begun that work in you in whatever trial your mommy heart is facing…..through the terrible two’s ……..ugh………..or much much worse. Your heart may be tired because you’ve been staring at your cotton candy sweet newborn angel babe for five whole minutes and your heart aches from stretching for the love that inflates it. Or your heart may be weary from carrying some unfathomable burden, a sick child, a lost child, a lost father of your child, a child gone to Jesus. My burden is nothing compared to so many and I am blessed in my bliss of teeny tiny, itty bitty problems.  Bottom line: your tired, I’m tired for many many reasons but today I it doesn’t really bother me. Have you ever felt this way? Tired has become sort of a shirt I put on every day. I don’t want to wear it, but I don’t really have anything else to wear because my laundry isn’t done. It’s not my favorite shirt, it makes me look fat but I’m used to it right now, it’s almost kind of comfy. Sometimes when I get enough sleep and I’m not sick I forget to take it off. So I don’t’ need to talk about that, or really any other pressing thing, and ooooh there are pressing things, but in light of eternity they truly just don’t even barely matter. So what I want to say really, really what I want to say is oh how God is good, oh how Jesus is beautiful. Oh His mercy makes me smile, makes me revel, makes me elated. I want to say, no I want to sing, Holy, Holy, Holy are you Lord Jesus. You give life and love and joy where it is so very underserved……. To me. To the nail hammerer, to the one who spits on your face. I slander, rumor, I gossip, I don’t grant forgiveness at times, I curse, I lie, I lust and I fall to my knees in repentance too many times to ever count or remember.  Notice these are all present tense sins, and YET you bless me with snuggles from a girl with whispy curls and coral lips, with kisses from a boy who is honest and obedient, with love, passionate love from a man who loves you, who I could never ever deserve. Maybe what I do have to say is really what I want to ask…… Lord help me understand your unfathomable, unending grace and love. Take me to your cross again and again and never let me forget your beauty, your holiness. The work you did there. Impart your wisdom to me and to this reader. I humbly ask, let us know you more deeply Yahweh. As your mother knew better than any other, to know you is the greatest achievement that could ever be.